I’ve always wanted to make homemade ice cream. It seems elusive and unattainable but also fun and casual, like if I could just make it once I’d undo all my previous cooking failures. I’m proud to say that I made ice cream this week. Unfortunately, it was mayonnaise ice cream.
Some backstory: Heinz just released recipes for ice cream inspired by their best-selling sauces like mayo, ketchup, and salad cream.
Some more backstory: I’m bored so I decided that making mayonnaise ice cream could only improve my current lot in life.
Somebody get me off the dumb bitch juice, because making mayonnaise ice cream was a bad idea.
I started by adding double cream, condensed milk, whole milk, and Heinz mayonnaise (all of which I’d chilled in the fridge for an hour beforehand) into a mixing bowl. Next, I asked my tallest housemate to get our electric whisk from the top of the fridge. Finally, I started combining the ingredients on the lowest speed.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
— Paul, not doing great (@YesNoSuper) December 19, 2018
The recipe says you should increase the speed gradually until the mixture is firm enough to hold its shape when you turn the whisk upside down.
This never happened.
I whisked everything for about ten minutes, and it still looked like what you’d expect from a bowl of milk, cream, and mayo. It was limp and runny — and it smelled bad, but I doubt that was because of my technique.
I repeated the entire process and even tried whisking it by hand, but I couldn’t get it to form stiff peaks. Maybe a better cook will realise that I did it too fast, or for too long, but we can’t change the cards we’re dealt.
Eventually, I covered my bowl of liquid in foil and balanced it in my freezer before messaging my housemates to all be very careful if they opened the door.
“I don’t want to have to deal with spilled mayonnaise or my poor decisions,” I warned them.
Honestly, I doubted it was going to work, but in the morning it had set (!!!) and it looked kind of like ice cream.
All that was left was to taste it.
A note: I don’t like mayonnaise. But up until a month ago I didn’t enjoy blueberries, and now they’re my fourth favourite fruit. The universe works in mysterious ways. I thought that maybe mayo ice cream would be one of those flavours that tastes amazing even though it sounds bad, like chocolate pizzas or hot chips with vanilla ice cream.
Readers, it is not.
When I tasted it, my eyes grew wide and I screamed in my soul. At first, it tasted like a cheap vanilla ice cream. Like something you’d eat if it was the only sweet thing in the house and you were craving dessert.
Then it just tasted like frozen mayonnaise and sugar.
*whispers* I’d eat mayonnaise ice cream…
— Mark Marie Lastrassi (@MarkMyT) July 26, 2018
My tall housemate (who, in addition to being tall, also actually likes mayo) tried it as well, and he didn’t hate it. But he also just shook his head, put the spoon down, and walked away.
The mayonnaise makes it less sweet than vanilla ice cream, so if you don’t like very sweet things then it might be perfect for you. But I also think you should just buy a different vanilla ice cream.
The only good thing to come out of this experience is learning that making ice cream is actually really easy. The whole process only took me about half an hour, and I could browse Instagram while I whisked for most of that.
I’m definitely going to make chocolate ice cream this summer, and my friends and housemates will be in awe at how I’m suddenly a kitchen goddess. (“How does she do it?” they’ll wonder, I imagine).
In case you got this far and still want to try it, here’s the recipe for Heinz Mayonnaise ice cream:
- 190g Double cream
- 190g Condensed milk
- 70g Whole milk
- 50g Heinz [Seriously] Good Mayonnaise
- Chill all of the ingredients in the fridge for at least an hour before starting.
- Add all of the ingredients to your mixer and combine them using the whisk attachment on the slowest setting. Alternatively, follow the same principles using a mixing bowl and an electric handheld whisk, or whisk by hand.
- Once all of the ingredients are combined, gradually increase the speed until you reach the fastest setting, or whisk the ingredients as hard as you can!
- Continue mixing until the mixture begins to form soft peaks (so when you turn your whisk upside down, the peaks are just starting to hold)
- Gently pour the mixture into your Heinz Creamz tub or a freezer safe container. Leave to set in the freezer for a minimum of 3 hours.
(All images: Provided by author)
Alana is the staff writer on AWOL who thinks the best way to travel is by taking spontaneous detours and stopping at every local bakery to try the cakes. She writes a lot about Australian TV, Big Things, cursed food, and theme parks. You can follow her on Instagram @alana.dotcom. It’s mostly dogs she meets along the way.