Airports are a lawless place, and people don’t always have great self-awareness when they’re waiting for a flight, let alone what they try to sneak pat security in their ludicrously capacious carry ons.
So whether it’s due to ignorance, an honest mistake or just a passenger trying their luck, it’s no surprise that the folks over at airport security see a lot of, um…interesting things.
can’t stop thinking about the time I watched a woman try to put her dog through the airport security scanner and the tsa agent picked it up and was like “ma’am no”
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) July 1, 2019
From bulk cheese to fake teeth and sex toys, here are some of the weirdest things people have tried (and mostly failed) to get through airport security.
“I once saw an elderly lady bring a pizza on a domestic flight and they had to roll the box through the scanner.” — zoogeo
“I asked a lady if she had anything left in her pockets. She proceeded to reach into her shirt, down into her bra, pull out a set of teeth, and pop them into her face!” — BadBunnyFooFoo
“I wanted to bring some different kinds of Gouda back to the US for myself, my friends, and my family. This was totally legal and all, I checked beforehand.
“But the customs agents thought it was hilarious when they opened my bag and I literally had 3 kilograms of cheese, in cheese wheel form, in my suitcase. Got to keep the cheese and it was definitely worth it.” — mest7162
In other news, a man was carrying a frozen lasagna through airport security this evening.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) August 14, 2017
“Passenger came through with his dad in a wheelchair. We all thought he was napping. Turns out he was dead. Apparently a ticket for a passenger is much cheaper than transporting a corpse in a coffin.” — getalong
“When my grandparents died, they wanted to be cremated and then have their ashes scattered into the Pacific Ocean. But we lived in New York.
“So my mom wrapped them both up, in really cheap plastic cremation urns, and put them in her carry on. The airport scanned them, took us both aside into a separate room, swiped the boxes for explosives, and tried to take them.
“My mom had none of that, and yelled, ‘You can’t confiscate my parents!’ We got to keep them and continue on our flight.” — scix
“My brother once stopped a guy for having an entire bag full of dead fish. Not frozen. Not on ice. Just raw-ass fish in a bag.” — sanoita991
“Flying out from spending time with my girlfriend in another state. I’m anxious and especially nervous while going through security, topped with being sad that I won’t be seeing my girlfriend for another long period of time, I’m feeling a little weepy.
“My bag rolls through the scanner and I see the woman’s face get all concerned and she calls over another agent to look at the screen. She asks me, ‘Do you have a milkshake mixer in your luggage?’
“I’m just taking it all in for a minute before it dawns on me. I have no idea what a milkshake mixer looks like, but I know I don’t have one. My Hitachi magic wand is in there.
“At this point, I’m feeling overwhelmed by everything and now I’m pretty embarrassed and there’s more attention on me than I care for.
“So, I promptly burst into tears, sobbing, ‘It’s a vibrator!'” — shinyatits
“The guy in front of me when I was going to fly to Milwaukee had a tuba strapped to his back, and refused to take it off.” — Shadow-Seeker
It should be okay to boo people at the airport
— Erin effing golden Ryan (@morninggloria) April 23, 2018
“When I was 8 years old we took a trip to California, and there were hundreds of snails all over the place! So I adopted 10 of them and carried them around on our trip, feeding them lettuce.
“Going through airport security I watched them go through the x-ray, and you could see them moving slowly around. This freaked out the agent and they called over a few people to search my bags. My dad just sat there laughing, and they pulled out a jar of snails.” — photoengineer
“It was me. I found a taxidermy chicken on a trip, and had to buy it. Then I had to get her home. Well, she wouldn’t fit in my suitcase, so I had to carry her in my arms.
It was a really busy travel day, and that chicken amused everyone. Absolutely every person in line suddenly wasn’t grumpy anymore. TSA all laughed, especially when she had to go through the x-ray; passengers who were irritated at lines started smiling.
I loved it. 10/10 would travel with a chicken again.” — Encrowpy
“Saw a bag filled to the brim with all different types of spoons. Pulled it aside, asked the passenger what the deal was. He looked me straight in the face and says he uses them to spank his wife in bed.” — Libra_Scales
“I was a dildo salesman for a time. I travelled a lot, and would have like 10 dildos on me at a time. I used to love going through security, and watching the look on security’s face when they’d get to my bag.” — pirateapproved
*Responses have been edited for style and clarity.
This post was originally published on February 21st, 2020 and has since been updated.
(Lead image: @lissyroddyy @thebigbagclub)